#I just want my brain to WORK
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I’m holding a knife up to my ADHD medication and anti depressant asking where the executive functioning is
#disabled#disability#vent post#adhd#actually adhd#anti depressants#executive dysfunction#I just want my brain to work#executive function#med problems
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migraine two days on the trot. i swear i will write here soon if it kills me. (it might)
#ooc.#i joke ofc#i just want my brain to work#and honestly at least there's ic stuff so i don't feel weird rambling on violet#but this blog empty so#and internet is acting up#i need a holiday
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Well, I went from 970 words to 1203 words and the order is better and a lot of editing was done (went up to ~1500 words for a bit and edited back down), but wow I can't focus for shit. This paper is still definitely not the quality it needs to be and for trying to work on it for about 9 hours today and only ending up here, I am honestly super disappointed with myself. I have never been the fastest writer, but this is abysmal. I will not make it through grad school if I can't write papers.
#I apparently have very little ability to make myself write without a lot of external pressure#because even though I have a deadline for this.... if I don't do it nobody but me will really care#I have to be doing it for myself and my life#and apparently that's not sufficient motivation to get past how much I don't like writing#which is DUMB#I write on here all the time. I write huge dissertation type messages about stories I like#I write whole documents on worldbuilding that I'm doing#I also think I'm very much out of practice with writing unfortunately#and my last memory of writing papers is reallllly terrible (senior year end of semester covid and being at home fucked me over)#and I think all of that is compounding on top the fact my attention span is smaller than it used to be#and so it's like trying to herd cats just to type a fucking comprehensible paragraph#I know I spent probably 7 of my 9 hours on the computer today on youtube or tumblr#and I probably spent 1 hour just staring at the document#I just want my brain to WORK#I don't know how to make it WORK#productivity hacks really don't help much... I am think I need to try the boredom one more though#that was definitely what got me to make calls and write emails the past couple weeks#maybe I can make it work for this. I just have to get up the discipline to not get on another website#the hack is basically 'if I won't do this thing I need to do I just have to sit here till the boredom is so strong I'll do anything'#so you can't get on another website or clean or listen to music or anything#just sit until your brain is screaming that it will do ANYTHING to not be bored#and so it forces you to do the thing because at least that's doing SOMETHING#but it does mean I have to be strong enough to not do anything else#which has mixed results. but it has worked a little bit so I guess we'll try that this week more
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barely surviving uni test week and I have one of my biggest tests tomorrow, but of course my brain wants focus on the squirrel outside my window instead of my work (it's been almost 2 hours. the squirrel is equally scary and cute)
#squirrel#i just want my brain to work#and i have a night shift starting in a few hours#im so fucked
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mourning black and the death of ideals
#i haven't moved on from this yet. btw. i'm still here#finally decided to draw the thought i've been ruminating over for days on end bc it's like a parasite eating away my brain#stated this on the initial post i made days ago but there's just smt so gut wrenching and sickening#about how dazai will have worn black exactly twice in his life: once as a member of the mafia and now at kunikida's funeral#a color that initially signified devotion to the mafia and his demon prodigy alias now signifies his grief#him having to wear black again at the funeral of another doomed fatalist who chose his heart over his survival. his own partner.#kunikida's death being so reminiscent of the tragedy that initially caused him to defect and flee#and everything tying together full circle and effectively breaking him#asagiri rly said fuck knkdz it's doppover we lost gang 😭😭😭#why did bro leave that fucking notebook behind#fool. do you know that angst potential you have left me to work with?#love never won in bsd. it lay dead and festering#i don't know how much longer i can keep saying i miss them. i'm going to kill myself if he doesn't come back#i've never wanted something to be death bait so desperately#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#kunikidazai#knkdz#kunizai#(??? technically. its implied anyway)#lotus draws
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Some Fords! (and Martin K Blackwood is also there)
#Some Ford wips I'm working on! I'll probably post these all seperately later. I dunno yet. just wanted them out of brain jail#The TMA crossover drawings are inspired by a fic which I cannot find the name of right now BECAUSE AO3 is DOWN????#anyway I got more drawings for it I'll post all together later#also I haven't listened to protocals yet and I need to relisten to the og so I hope I remembered Martin's level of lonely avatarship lmao#Also I just think Ford would be a bit mean to himself. ESPECIALLY his immidiately post Fiddleford leaving self#conflicting thoughts of 'I cant risk changing the timeline' and#'I was a miserable self centered idiot and Im afraid I still am so I need to to put my younger self down to feel better'#Gravity falls#Stanford pines#ford pines#young stanford pines#gf fanart#fanart#fan art#my art#digital art#martin k blackwood#the magnus archives crossover#Edit: the fic was 'earth becomes sky in the most literal fashion'!!
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EDIT: someone wrote a fic based off of this and im holding you all at gun point to read it rn
i did noooottt mean for this to be as long as it is lmao!! I LOVE THESE PINK BITCHES !!!!!
and their. questionable father
#dreamworks trolls#trolls band together#trolls#viva#poppy#doodling#ive been debating whether i should write fic or draw comics bc the royal pop fam has been invading my brain ever since#i watched the movies. but i decided i do what i want so why not both#. so maybe expect something similar in ao3 if i ever get off my butt to finish that#OR MORE COMICS YIPPIEEEEEE#its also so funny bc i did write this first but then shit just got longer the more i worked on it I YAP TOO MUCH SO FUCK IT THE SISTERS#DO TOO
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After months of research and development and market testing and perfecting the first item I feel confident selling online, I have realized... that it is an incredibly niche item that only a specific subset of absolute nerds would want to buy, and I will have to do a ton of explaining the basic idea over and over again before people generally get what it is I'm even selling. RIP me
#this is like the time I spraypainted a bunch of screw heads gold#because I was putting up gold spraypainted shelf brackets and wanted these black screws to not stand out#and to make it easier I took a piece of thin cardboard and cut a series of Xes in it#then pushed the screws in a little bit and positioned it over the gap between boards on the back deck#and used my hammer to just plonk those screws into place so I could spraypaint them!#i felt so clever I posted a video of it#(gold spraypaint makes me feel giddy and childlike)#and everyone was like#“GIRL NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT DON'T TRY TO *HAMMER* YOUR *SCREWS* INTO A DECK!”#it took like. so much work to try to explain to people why this was a problem I wanted to solve#much less the mechanism by which i solved it#my brain is just. HIGHLY WEIRD SOMETIMES
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Do yourself a favor and go read the entire fanfic work of @fanfoolishness
(In order: Under sun and shade, Blind Side, and Breathless (patching up is one of my fav too, I just had no cool sketch idea for it)
#star wars#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch fanart#tbb fanart#tbb fanfiction#dumping my “fanfic_doodles.clip” file here literally#sorry the style is messy#now I see them all Im like “ok it's all over the place zero/100 aesthetically pleasuring post”#hhhh its the thought that counts?#And tbh the point is just to convince you to read theses#because I'm like OBSSEEESSED with theses since you appeared in my notes#Every fic is gold#Me baiting my followers with pretty enough pictures to read fanfics#this being said I should really take the time to color properly my stuff#but I don't liiiiiiiiike it#there is tons of more talented artists if people want colored beautiful amazing art#me I can't really make my “”“spontaneous”“” “”“doodles”“” pretty without trying hard and at the end it's meh#They're so flat too#yesterday I was like “oh my scenes are becoming less flat I improved maybe”#Then I scrolled on my storyboard insta and was like#yeah sure no#I'm still faaaaaar away from the industry standards#I studied like at three arts school and I'm still bad at drawing TAT#why is my brain not working v_v#look brain I'm showing you nice pictures learn from them#brain: no Im gonna overfixate on this left hand here and only this#anyway
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Instead of writing a fanfic like a normal person this oneshot turned into two separate, contextless things,
#sorry it’s how my brain works (sometimes can only see things in terms of tv scene-)#tumblr exclusive video fancy…#dcmk#my art#(quietly coughing and spluttering) OK alright I can feel the creative brain explosion slowing down. geez#coughs.#nyways. weird that there hasn’t really been a main case where poison is involved in a certain way#If I watch my own scribbled boards for too long im gonna get too embarrassed to post. Send post#Subarus hair is still infuriating by the way like take that off your normal hair is easier. The beanie is easier#you like Have to have the side corners on this haircut or it doesn’t look right#anyways. shiho ptsd moments I think she kind of gets irritated that shinichi doesn’t react the same so when he does she gets like#weirded out and vindicated and a little protective. Like woah wait. Love that you understand me rn don’t like that you feel bad I am going…#to…………. ssssssssssit here about it…………………………….. uhhhh. do you want. a rubix cube to get your mind off it#I don’t want to talk about my feelings I just want you to get it. you don’t wanna talk about your feelings either which is……………. Hmmmmmm#I like her. love of my life miyano shiho#masumi sera#conan edogawa#ai haibara#akai shuichi#let conan swear. HE SWEARS A LOT BUT LET HIM SWEAR IN ENGLISH I KNOW HE KNOWS THEM#man needs his emotional support akai family they like him#rigorous trials to being approved by the akai matriarch but everyone else likes him already and have already picked him up multiple times#and shuichi would let him swear
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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Tim: lol you wanna wife me so bad it makes you look stupid
Kon: I do!
Kon: and it does!
Kon: C O N S T A N T L Y
#timkon#tim drake#kon el#conner kent#technically this is from a timkon sci-fi au I've been pear wiggling in my brain#but I realized it also just works for them in general#is the constantly for wanting to wife tim or for wanting it so bad it makes kon look stupid#and the answer is#yes
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As if I wasn't already exhausted enough this morning...
It's been brought to my attention that people are taking my fanfics, editing them, and sharing them around. I don't have the words to describe how not okay this is. If you don't like something about my fanfic, then I'm sorry to hear that, but there are a lot of other fics out there you can read instead.
I put time and effort and care into my writing, as does every writer. To take my work without permission and change it feels like someone just punched me in the gut. Frankly it makes me not want to share my work at all and to take down all the writing I do have up, because why should I share anything with people if all they're going to do is decide it's not good enough and they're going to do what they want with it and make it "better"?
And before anyone comes at me, this is not what a transformative work does. This is not the same as fanfiction. I'm fucking exhausted from working two eleven hour shifts over the weekend so my brain is not working so someone smarter and more articulate than I am can explain why. I'm tired.
This genuinely makes me want to take down all my works and not share anything new. It's very simple, kiddos: Don't like it? Don't read it. You will miss out on some fanfics that way, just like you'll miss out on some films, or books, or TV shows. I've missed out on really good fic, novels, films, etc, for the same reason. We all do. It's a part of life. Stuff will sometimes have things in it that you don't like. Skim those parts, fast-forward those scenes, grin and bear it, or just go and read/watch something else.
Normally I would make this post unrebloggable but I worry other writers in this fandom might experience the same thing and not realize it. So people are welcome to reblog this. Anyone who's an ass on it will be blocked, no second chances.
Just. Don't do this guys. Holy shit don't do this. What the actual fuck.
#lincoln writes stuff#911 abc#911 fanfic#yes unfortunately tagging the fandom since that's the fandom it happened in#I'm just#holy fuck#genuinely I want to message every writer I know in this fandom#even if we've never spoken#to like... warn them this is apparently a thing#I wish I could make my brain work right now but I'm so fucking braindead#I'm working three jobs and this is my fun relax safe space except NOT ANYMORE 'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE BEING DICKS#just... don't fucking do this what the FUCK is wrong with you#actual CHILDREN are more respectful holy fuck
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happy new year Ego!!! Just wanted to let you know that I absolutely adore your twst fanart and the tags are just an absolute pleasure to read! You are my greatest inspiration for my personal twst art and I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful masterpieces <333 if possible, may I ask what are some of your headcanons for the diasomnia family? If not for diasomnia then any other characters are fine as well!
thank you, and happy new year! 💚💜💚 that is amazing to hear; it's always a little bewildering but super flattering that other people like my silly little doodles so much!
I don't think I really have any really solid headcanons and also canon keeps validating me left and right (FLUFFY DOMESTIC DIAFAM IS REAL). mostly just kind of...impressions and general thoughts, if that makes sense! lately though I've been kind of obsessed with thinking about Lilia's hair, and specifically when/why he ended up cutting it. (l-look, we're bouncing around the timeline and I gotta make decisions about these things when I draw, it's relevant) (I mean I would probably be weirdly fixated on this anyway, but.)
I think I've settled on the idea that he kept it long until he went to NRC, partly because 1) I like drawing The Ponytail, and 2) I think he thought of NRC as a chance to reinvent himself a bit! he gets to go and be a wacky carefree teenager for a few years and have fun! (officially he's there to keep an eye on Son #1, but how much trouble could he get into, really.) so he gave himself a Cool Teen Haircut to go with his fresh new Cool Teen Persona!
also maybe he had some reflection on his hair's troubled past with three kids...
...and had to weigh his vanity versus the fact that he was going off to be around hundreds of kids on a daily basis, and. the choice suddenly seemed obvious.
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 6 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 6 spoilers#this is my blog and i'm going to write a million words about lilia and you can't stop me#but anyway i do genuinely get the impression that he's using Pretending to Be a Teenager as a chance to be even sillier than usual#he's a very silly man he's just being EXTRA silly#supported by his recent birthday card where he says he was specifically trying to cast himself as an adorable little brother-type#because he wanted the other students to give him free shit and save him seats and things like that#it worked for about a week before he turned out to be way too good at stuff and everyone just kind of ended up in awe of him instead#and he was like DANGIT. I'VE RUINED IT FOR MYSELF.#(then he and epel went on to talk about their hypothetical vtubersonas because the birthday cards are INSANE but anyway)#i'm bad at headcanons :( sorry!#unless it's dumb things like...what pokemon they would have or whatever#(malleus would have some kind of special fancy-colored dragapult) (but i digress)#i have a hard time putting things into words. just know that i love the grampa bat and his weird kids very much.#my brain is also still kind of fried from the last couple of weeks#i am however starting 2024 off the way i intend to continue it: in deep contemplation of anime hair#(sorry if these look weirdly aliased) (i realized about 3/4 of the way through i was using the wrong brush and i didn't want to restart :U)
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With the revelation that Rayla likes romantic books, coupled with Callum's love for non-fiction, I am filled with the sudden urge to write a Rayllum bookshop AU.
#like i dunno if i want another WIP but i also know how my brain works#or doesn’t work i guess#i blame sudden season 7 release date drop#and the fact they took away canon Rayllum making out in the library in s7#i just think they should make out surrounded by books#the dragon prince#tdp#rayllum#rayla#callum#give us the saga#continue the saga
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